I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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