She went from zero to smokin in five shots
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
