Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
