I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I AM VODKA MAN
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
