There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
