The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
