I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
