Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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