Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
