i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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