I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
