While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
