Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
