rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She just used a chaser for red wine.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
