From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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