I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
