they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
