I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
