someone get that fucking seahorse.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
