I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
