So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
