It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
