Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
