I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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