i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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