It's like God shit irony all over that family
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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