When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
