she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
