you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
