I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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