I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
