Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
organizing the empties. That sober.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
