So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
