I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
my shit smells like andre
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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