i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
