What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
