Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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