Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
