I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
