I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Drunk is a universal language darling
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