I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
