I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
