Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
