just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i wish my penis had a tongue
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
