Im at strip club and am horny
We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
