my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
