Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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