i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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