You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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