I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
