my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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