So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
