i wish there were pregnant emoticons
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
