i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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