i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
