I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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