i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
