You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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