i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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